How to Get Your Husband (Or Wife) Out of the House

photo credit to Rachel Dunston

My friend suggested I write about this, which was most likely a joke. But it has legit been a struggle for us and I have, in fact, figured out many ways in which to get my husband out of the house, so to speak. So I'm going to impart my pearls of wisdom. 

You see, my husband, Quinn, is what you might call indoorsy (as Jim Gaffigan would say). Quinn will tell you so himself. For some reason, I went through most of my life believing that people were basically the same in many ways, which I guess they are. But not in this way. There are plenty of people out there who are 100% content to stay at home most of the time. Strange I didn't notice this before I was married because some of my very best friends and close relatives are self-declared homebodies. But there it is. Some people (my husband included) would prefer to stay home. Don't get me wrong--if there's a softball league you want him to be a part of or you need him for a pick up game of basketball, he's there in a heartbeat. It's just everything else that he doesn't get too excited about. He hates (or at least hated) hiking and if he has some spare time, he usually gets comfy on the couch and plays FIFA on the Xbox or turns on an episode of Battle Bots (nerd alert).


Quinn is not lazy by any means. In fact, he's been doing door-to-door sales for the last five years (he's currently finishing what we hope will be his last summer) and that takes a lot of hard work and dedication. So when he's home, he wants to relax. And understandably so. But we've gotten in quite a few disagreements about how we should spend the mornings before he heads to work and the time during the weekends that he has off. That is until we figured out a system, little-by-little. Here's what we've learned:

1. Is your husband spontaneous or does he prefer to plan ahead? It's very important to learn (if you don't know already) what kind of a person your spouse is as far as how they like to plan the way they spend time. Sometimes all this takes is making an effort to notice. In my case, Quinn had to tell me point blank. Knowing this can make such a huge difference in whether or not your spouse is willing to join you for an adventure (or even a trip to the grocery store)! Quinn isn't really a planner, but he does like to know if he's going to go out and do something ahead of time. So I try to come up with ideas ahead of time and present them to him at least the night before (or in the morning if it's something in the evening). This doesn't always work because I lean more towards the spontaneous side of this spectrum so I don't always think of things ahead of time. But if I make the effort, I'm more likely to get his willing participation. If your spouse is spontaneous, on the other hand, springing an idea on them right before you want to do it might present them with enough excitement to get them out the door, even if they wouldn't be crazy about planning to do whatever it is you want to do. 
2. Give a little, get a little. This is true of marriage in general, but if you want your husband to spend time with you doing what you love, spend time with him doing what he loves. We don't go out as a family every day, even though I would like to. Sometimes, we stay home and watch TV or play games together. And I've learned that a day like this every once in a while is a good thing and can actually be really fun.
3. The money problem. This has been a huge one for us in the past (and sometimes still is). Quinn isn't what I would call cheap, because he's very generous. But he doesn't like to spend money when it's not necessary. And I admire that about him. But I've always been one to prioritize experiences over material things in my budget and that has caused us to butt heads from time to time. Compromise is again the best answer here. 
• Find things to do that are free or cheap and that will eliminate the money hurdle. 
• If you want to spend money, put it in the budget. Explain that it's important to you and discuss an amount that would be reasonable to spend each week or month. Then you won't waste time, energy, and emotions discussing whether or not to do something based on cost. It will already be decided.
4. Tell them why. Explaining how you feel goes a long way. Men don't know how you feel! Even after you explain it, they usually still don't quite get it. But I think this is not as much of a gender-specific issue as most. By telling Quinn that going out and doing things makes me happy and gives me a sense of accomplishment, he learned that it's actually very important to me. He also learned ways that he could benefit from getting out of the house because I told him how it benefits me.
5. If they agree reluctantly, they still agree. One mistake I made (and still make sometimes) over and over again was trying to force Quinn to have a good attitude about something. I'm not saying to ignore your spouses feelings, but if they agreed to do something, they agreed. Be grateful and carry on! If you spend time and energy worrying about your husband's attitude or whether or not he's having fun, you'll just make the experience worse for everyone involved. I've noticed that when I ignore Quinn's reluctance, his attitude just naturally gets better. And even if it doesn't, that's because he's coming with me because he's trying to be nice, not because he loves whatever we're doing. So it's important to cut him some slack. He may not enjoy it, but that doesn't mean it has to be ruined for me and the kids. Hounding him to have a good attitude just makes him not want to do me the favor of coming the next time. 
6. Be okay with doing things separately. This is so important for any marriage! Do things by yourselves often. And I'm not talking about work or taking care of kids or whatever else you have to do. Find a hobby to do by yourself in your spare time. Or take the kids out by yourself even though your husband or wife is home! Even though it's a little more work, it will still be fun and the kids will get one-on-one bonding time with you. This is especially great if one or both of you work! Sometimes I ask Quinn if he wants to join me to go somewhere and he declines. And that's it. I take the kids and try my best to let it go. And everyone is happier and better off for it. And sometimes, Quinn takes the kids and does something fun and I stay home.

Spending time together outside of the house is so important for a marriage, but it's super common for one of you to want to get out more often than the other. There are very few couples who always agree on plans. Are there any couples like that? But you can eliminate some of the tension that this causes pretty easily. I even get Quinn to come hiking with us now. And he likes it! He really likes it! He even suggests it sometimes. 

I'm far from an expert, but these things have really helped us. I would love to hear what has helped you! Has this ever been an issue for you? What have you learned to help solve it?