It dawned on me about a year or so ago that my oldest (he was about one and a half at the time) was starting to be at an age when he really would benefit from having some friends. I hadn't gone out of my way to set up play dates or even take him places where there would be a lot of other children around. I blamed it on the fact that we moved around so much (nine times in four years).I've also leaned on the "I'm shy" crutch for a lot of years, so I hadn't generally made a habit of making friends every time we moved. I'd mostly keep to myself or hang out with one or two other people who had moved with us (my husband did summer sales). But it was getting hard to deny that my son needed friends and that it was up to me to help him make that happen.
Take them where other children will be. A good way to start, I thought, was to take Lincoln (my son) to the playground or to a children's museum where he could run around and make friends. This was effective because, luckily, Lincoln is extremely friendly. He makes friends wherever he goes, as do most small children. They are amazing at making friends! It's like they have a little-person radar and they can seek out the children who are their own age and make immediate best friends with them everywhere they go.
Make friends yourself--be a good example. Then I started realizing that every once in a while, Lincoln would keep to himself (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but we were in situations where I thought it would be fun for him to play with friends). This is about the time I took a look at myself and realized that when we went to the park, the adults were often sitting on separate benches, on their phones, or just generally ignoring each other. How could we expect our children to makes friends with each other if we were unwilling to do just that?
I mean, don't get me wrong. I still don't feel the need to make friends with everyone I see. But it doesn't hurt to get out of my comfort zone and meet someone new at the park or the grocery store, especially if it will help my sons with their social skills. And I've noticed that it makes my days a lot better if I find the time and energy to be friendly to those around me. Added bonus... when I'm happy, I'm a better mom to my boys. So it's really just a win win win win.
Make NEW friends--be a good example. I really think the best way to encourage a child to do something is to be a good example and to do it yourself (without pointing it out to them--they see it on their own). If you already feel like you've got enough friends, and your kids have enough friends, that doesn't mean somebody else does. Be kind to everyone! Befriend everyone! Because isn't that the kind of people you'd like your children to be? The kind who reach out and include those who may feel excluded? It's not enough to have a few good friends (although it seems like enough). If you want your children to be kind, inclusive adults, you have to be one yourself.
Not to say I'm the perfect example. I'm far from it. But I've noticed that if I feel like Lincoln isn't making friends as easily in any given situation, if I go and talk to a parent, he's more likely to see that and know that it's okay to talk to their children or other children.
Minimize your interference. In my limited experience, I've learned that leading by actions is much more effective than telling a child what to do. We still find ourselves repeating, "share," "don't push," etc. over and over again, and it often falls on deaf ears. Kids will usually work things out for themselves.
I read a book called Children: The Challenge by Rudolph Dreikurs, M.D. (click here for my short review of the book) that had a whole chapter about letting your kids be in charge of their own relationships. It had a lot of good points, although I didn't totally agree with everything. One idea that I did like was to let children work things out themselves for the most part. It also talked about dealing with bullying and unkindness (to a certain degree) in a different setting than the conflict itself. Noticing a problem when its happening and then teaching a child how to navigate it afterward, in a more calm environment, can go a long way and have a more lasting effect.
In general, you can't really expect something of your little ones that you wouldn't be willing to do yourself. If you want them to be outgoing, then you learn to be outgoing. If you want them to be kind, then you be kind. Honestly, because I've come to know that this is true, I've had the opportunity to grow and challenge myself in ways that I probably wouldn't have had it not been for the fact that I want my children to do the same. Just another way that children are a blessing in our lives.
Disclaimer: These are just the things I've learned are effective from my own experience and the sources I've cited. I do not have autistic children or children with any other type of diagnosed social or emotional challenges and I don't pretend to know what would work for those children.
Extra resources: This article on WebMD also has some great tips, including learning your children's friendship styles, opening your home to your children's friends, and learning alternative to popularity.
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